Most of you have read my weight loss story and are aware of my success, and struggles. Today, I hit a bump in the road and found myself stuck in another body image slump. When I started this blog, I wanted to be honest with my readers and share my story, tips, recipes, struggles, and frustrations, so today I will share with you what I have been struggling with for the past few months.
Got a tres chic “Eat Rabbit Food” bracelet made from a street vendor at Fisherman’s Wharf when I was in San Francisco this weekend!
I feel like I have been “dieting” for so long that losing weight is extremely easy for me. To my surprise, maintaining my weight is the real challenge. I know exactly what it takes to consistently lose weight, but maintaining is a whole different story. After I had lost a substantial amount of weight and wanted to start toning, I began to research, and read so many different theories about gaining muscle that it was enough to make my head spin. I had no idea which solution would work for me, weather it was a high protein low fat or low carb diet, weight training, resistance training… ahhh! I started adding more protein into my diet, but along with the protein came extra calories, which quickly turned into too many. I really struggled with finding a perfect balance to keep my weight stable while gaining muscle. Although I finally figured out what combination worked for me, it was a frustrating battle. During this time, I gained 5lbs, which was extremely discouraging for me. This was the first time I saw my weight go up since the start of my weight loss. Even though it was a small amount of weight, my obsession with the number on the scale was still present. I became depressed and stressed, not wanting to go out with friends or see anyone in fear of them noticing my “weight gain.” I was disappointed in myself for working so hard for so long and then “slipping up.” Even with the praise and encouragement of others, I could not be happy or content with my weight; it was purely mental. This was around the same time that I started to severely restrict my diet before turning my habits around.
Knowing how obsessive I can get about dieting, I wanted to let myself indulge and enjoy the holidays this past year. Over Christmas, my boyfriend Sam came to visit for a couple of weeks and I allowed myself to go out to dinner with him and actually enjoy food. It was still an uncomfortable struggle to eat a normal meal at a restaurant and not feel guilty or restrict afterwards. After Sam returned to Texas, I got back to my regular routine of healthy home cooked meals and felt very proud of myself for getting back on track and not having one ounce of guilt from the food I had consumed over the holidays. A week later I went to Texas to spend new years with Sam, and then flew to Denver with him and his family to go skiing. I had so much anxiety on this ski trip because of my eating habits. I didn’t want to look like the crazy girl with food issues, but I’m sure it was showing full force. I can’t eat like my 6’5 boyfriend or his 6’6 brother and other tall athletic family members. I tried so hard to enjoy the vacation, but I was constantly thinking about food and counting ever calorie in my head. It was exhausting, but I couldn’t let go of it and enjoy myself in fear of gaining weight during the trip. After I returned home to Los Angeles, I could not get back to my regular routine. I was angry, and annoyed with myself that I could not get back to my healthy eating and exercise routine, and then I was even more upset with myself for letting this whole thing get to me. It was a terrible few weeks of self-hatred and disappointment, and it was all caused by food. After I finally got back on track and felt my clothes fitting again, along came a whirl of celebrations and events. My grandpa’s birthday, sister’s birthday, Valentine’s day, mom’s birthday, launch of my blog, trip to Japan, and trip to San Francisco all happened from January to April. It seemed like every week I had a commitment and I had no time for myself. I became stressed beyond belief, but was working on allowing myself to indulge without regret or anxiety at every affair. I noticed my weight starting to rise, but continued to exercise when I was home, and tried my hardest to cook balanced healthy meals. I wanted to be at peace with food and allow myself to celebrate and enjoy.
How cute are these veggies phone charms that I got from Japan? The Japanese never fail to make healthy foods cute.
When I arrived home from Japan , I noticed that my clothes were much tighter and I was uncomfortable, even in my favorite outfits. I stepped on the scale and noticed a significant weight gain. Once again my obsession with the number came back. If you remember how depressed and angry I felt after the first 5lbs I gained after my weight loss, you could only imagine how I felt at this time. I became ashamed of myself, embarrassed, and most of all; sad. I spent a majority of my days looking at myself in the mirror and thinking about how much I hated myself and my body. I was angry and started snapping at my friends, family, and boyfriend all because I felt unhappy with my body. I hate that this has so much control over me. I don’t want my weight to affect my happiness anymore. I am not being fair to myself by letting food, weight, and body image get to me the way it does.
After an impromptu trip to San Francisco last week, I decided it was time for a change because “if you do not change, you will remain the same,” and I cannot sit around and be depressed about my body anymore. There are so many other things to be excited and happy about. After eating our way through San Francisco, my friend Erica, her sister Cece, and I watched the documentary Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead together. The film is about an Australian man who juices for 60 days to reboot his system, heal the inside of his body, and lose weight. If you haven’t seen this movie already, you should definitely check it out. I have actually watched it twice before, but this time (third time is a charm, right?) it really struck something in me. Since I love a challenge and love to prove others and even myself wrong, so I am taking the juice challenge to cleanse my system of toxins, refresh my palette, and give my body the vitamins and minerals that it has been craving after months of celebrating. I am not sure how long I will juice, but I am excited to try different recipes and document/share my honest emotions and thoughts each day of the challenge. Since many people think that healthy eating is expensive, I’ll try to find the most affordable way to get the tastiest juices possible!
Last night I went to whole foods and found a bunch of bottled juices on sale for 2 for $5, so I bought 6 of them, and then emptied the contents, removed the labels, and cleaned the bottles in preparation for my homemade juices.
Tonight, I am going to Erica’s house to create my first round of juices, and then starting tomorrow, Rabbit Food For My Bunny Teeth is going allllll liquid! Of course I will transition back to my fun Rabbit Food Pyramid meals after the challenge, but for right now, I need to take some time for myself to get back to where I was when I started this blog. If anyone else is interested in joining in on the juicing challenge, leave me a comment! Even swapping out one snack/meal per day with juice could be a great healthy start!
To prepare for my juice challenge, I am drinking Green Monsters and tons of water all day today! This recipe is based off of my original green smoothie with the addition of pineapple and more mint!
makes 3 servings
1 cup fresh orange juice
1 cup almond milk
1 bunch kale
1 frozen ripe banana (peel and freeze beforehand)
1 cup frozen mango
1 cup frozen pineapple
1 cup of mint leaves (I use one small package from Whole Foods)
Start off by combing orange juice and almond milk with kale and blend until smooth. Then add the frozen banana, mango, pineapple, and mint leaves. Blend until thick and smooth, pour into 3 glass jars and enjoy. Store leftovers in the fridge for up to 2 days.
Question: What do you do when you are having a bad day? How do you get re-inspired to get healthy and stay on track?